Unsent Letter

It's been so long since we talk to each other for the last time, after that day, all we have shared is indifference.

I just want to talk about my thoughts, my pain, my feelings with the only person who understands the situation, the only one who knows everything about it, you.

I know we did it all wrong, made a lot of mistakes, more than we could handle it, more than we could stand. Eventually everything broke apart and we could not put the pieces together anymore. It was likely to happened, at least I knew it.

I never really loved you, I realized about it a long after we broke up. It was hard at the beginning, I missed you so much, but it wasn't really you, I just missed to have someone aware of me, that was all.

I'm sorry, I messed up, it's my fault, I know. I should have finished it when it was really the end, just a couple of weeks after we start dating. It's said that no one really knows how things are going to work out when they make plans, it's exactly what happened to us.

Remember? How we agree at first this was going to be temporary? Just a game for a couple of weeks, you were even seeing someone by then. I had been having problems in my family, looking for the love I didn't felt in my home. And there was you, my best friend, the one who never left me on hard times, the one who backed me up always. It was easy to confused my feelings for you.

We start dating, it was weird, different, secret. You, being raised in a broken family full of defects and debts, worst student of the class, and me, all the opposite.

A couple of nice months enjoying of a new relationship soon became a nightmare. Was no longer a secret, somebody caught us, and then hell begun.

All the time I felt sick for lying to the people who I really care, my family. But I was so immature I could just see on that a way of taking revenge against the only person whose love will always be unconditional, my mother.

After a while, all we did was argue, it was this thing or the other, that girl that was flirting on you or the boy who was talking to me. It didn't matter anymore, we just kept looking for excuses to fight, it was insane. Yelling each other, slaps, mistreatments, insults, we did it everyday.

But we couldn't break up, that was for sure, and that disturbing way took us to almost two years of relationship, passing through some threatens of suicides and stupid conditions of both sides. Jealousy were sick, from you and from me, it was too much, we kept hurting each other, I'm sorry, I know I always treat you like shit, I know I always make you feel bad, I'm truly sorry. I would never forgive myself from being such a horrible person to you.

Tears became my friends when cheating and lying were all I got from you, it's indescribable how broken I felt inside everytime I found out another lie, sometimes I thought I wouldn't be able to live like that anymore, lies and more lies, to my parents, to you, to myself. And once I knew I was making a big mistake, once I realize my heart was not with you anymore, not the way I thought, I did what I shouldn't have... I cheated on you.

I could not leave you, you always threat me with leaving school or killing yourself, it was insane, really insane. But there was a point were I could not take it anymore, I wanted to break free and be happy, I saw how I might be able to do it, I took the chance and I didn't care anything, not even if you committed suicide, that was the fact that make me realize, it was never love, just a damn bad habit.

And now we're here, better than then, happy on our ways, it was all a mistake, you may say you did love me, but I can't tell the same, cause I know I never felt comfortable with it, I just tried to convinced myself I was, now I can see it all clearly.

And even now I can't pronounce your name, it doesn't matter if it's somebody else's name too, it's just hard to remember that time I just want to left behind.